Hello, beautiful people!
I know I said “positive vibes” only in my wonderland, but, unfortunately, life isn’t all about happy moments, fun and good fortune. Sometimes it is about sadness, pain, grief or bad luck. And all these moments make us who we really are. So I stand here today and write from my heart trying to present an ugly truth: that unexpected things happen and your life can change in a moment (and not in a good way).
For me, this day was exactly three years ago – a day I will never forget. The day when my father passed away. The day when my whole world fell apart and all I could do was to stare blankly while it was happening.
But although this day brings me nothing but sorrow, I don’t want to make you all sad with my post, but instead I want to highlight the most important thing in life: family – the place where life begins and love never ends – and to recreate the great love between a father and his daughter.
When I think about the beautiful family I once had, memories sneak out of my head and roll down on my cheeks…I remember with so much joy the childhood memories and even the recent ones: all the laughs, all the trips, all the kind words, all the good moments we got to spend together and also the plans we used to make, not knowing we wouldn’t have the chance to fulfill them. But mostly, I think of my father like I am trying to picture him in front of me, with his jeans and his favorite red t-shirt, getting ready to take me to school.
My father was a very funny man, he literally loved to laugh. A lot. He was also a very loving man. He loved my mother and me past the moon and beyond the stars and I have no doubt of his love, because he used to show it every single moment (through the most simple and genuine gestures). He was a crier: he cried at romantic movies, he cried when I graduated both high school and the university, and I’m sure he would have cried when I got engaged. He was also very curious, asking way too many questions about anything, just like a child.
He was a big part of my life and I am constantly aware of his absence because it’s very difficult to get used to not talking to someone you used to talk everyday. All that love, trust, laughter, guidance, early phone-calls, late phone-calls – he used to call me a lot when I moved to Bucharest, just to say hello and to ask me about my day – plush bunny gifts, tight hugs, unexpected surprises, weird jokes, chill talks, goodnight kisses gone in just a second, with no warning sign and no chance to say goodbye. Many things were left unsaid and this is what I regret the most and what haunts my soul even after all this time.
I still remember that horrific day (that made me hate winter even more) with all those insignificant details I wouldn’t normally observe, when my mother called me to deliver the bad news. I can still hear her voice in my head and I still hope that maybe it’s not true, because I was never prepared to live the rest of my life without him, but now I have to. How? By thinking of him.
People often wonder how am I still smiling and living life to its fullest. Well, guess what? Smiling doesn’t mean you are happy. Sometimes it just means you’re strong. And trust me on this: you have never experienced the real pain that gets inside your heart and never goes away, until you find yourself staring in the mirror with tears in your eyes. And this kind of pain…oh…this kind of pain never goes away. You just have to learn to live with it. You will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered and you will be whole again but you will never be the same again. I think that as much as you may try, you can not go back to the person you once where. That one is long gone and you have to discover this new, stronger one.
I know that nothing can bring him back to me, not a million words, not a million tears, because God knows I’ve tried that. So all I can do now is to cherish all the memories we have together, to make him proud, because I’m sure he’s watching me, and to miss him a lot because it makes me feel like he’s still with me.
It’s hard when you miss someone, but I think that if you miss them, you were lucky, because you had someone special in your life, someone that was worth missing. There are days when I wish I could turn back time, just to feel twice a few things. I don’t want to change anything and nor the forget those memories, because they are a constant reminder of a great story we had, a story that I never expected to end so early.
We always think we have time. But we don’t. Life is all about love and the moments we get to spend with the people we love. In such a busy world, working 8 hours (or more) per day, living far from our hometown, we get to neglect the ones who really matter and who love us no matter what.
So go hug your father, your mother, your sisters or brothers, your grandparents, your uncle, your cousins, your husband or wife. Go hug your best friend, the coworker you get along with so well, your pet, your hairstylist who always makes you look like a diva or everyone who means something to you. Say more often “I love you”, “I’m sorry” and “Thank you”. Stop fighting and be grateful for every second of every day you get to spend with the people you love. Because life is so very precious and you don’t want to waste any of this precious time. And don’t forget to take photos. If you think they’re not important, wait until they are all you have left.
I may have lost my father, but he will always live through me. He taught me the meaning of respect, self-confidence, ambition and love. And I know he would be so proud, saying “That’s my girl!” because all he ever wanted was for me to succeed and to be happy and loved.
So today I cry because I miss him, I smile because I met him, I laugh because I can’t forget his humor, but I go on because he raised no quitter.
Sorry if I’ve made you too emotional, but I couldn’t have left this day pass without commemorating him in a special way (because he loved being the center of attention). To make this post complete, you can find below a collage with my favorite photos of me and my dad. I will be waiting for your thoughts, advices or personal stories on this topic!
Good night, darlings!
P.S.: Love you, dad! Thank you for everything!